Launching birds and finding your own wings
As offspring head to university, here are my thoughts and tips on my daughter flying the nest
This is what we’ve been preparing for, for months now, for you to follow your next path, to step out of the nest, find your wings and fly, and yet it feels so precarious for the ones left behind. This week feels wobbly, like I’m walking on moving plates or a haphazard escalator, edging me towards a goodbye for now, that we know is coming, yet still feels so other-worldly.
My balance feels off, I move on a scale of excitement and giddiness as we shop for things for your new room, things to make it cosy, to feel like home to you, your new nest, to middle of the night mad dreams, restless sleep and making notes to remember items to take.
You get excited about tea towels that are in your favourite colour, sage green and a print of cherries, despite never eating them. You ponder over plain kitchen bowls, mugs, and glasses – wanting to be stylish in your choices, to fit in (no whacky colours mum) and start saving recipes of new dishes to cook.
We have a girly shopping day in Leeds, where you buy a cherry printed T-shirt, and a going out top that resembles a satin dish cloth, your Dad would not approve, but I marvel how at how good you look in it, with the new pair of jeans and oversized leather bomber jacket, effortlessly cool and you smile and declare that you’ve ‘upped your style game’, I see new confidence blossom.
You bully me into having lunch at Wing Stop, I roll my eyes at this glorified KFC, but for once you place the order at the till, to a real human, something you would never have done, even just a few months back and I breathe and think, this is good, this is good.
The small place is crammed with young people and students, I’m probably the oldest person here, and I realise it is me this time out of my comfort zone.
Eventually, tired, and laden with shopping bags, we get to sit down in a booth and await our lunch. It arrives in cardboard trays, different pieces of juicy chicken in a variety of marinades, salt and pepper fries, ranch dressing - a new addition to my daughter’s palette which she now claims is ‘amazing’!
We devour our lunch, hungry from trawling the shops and it is surprisingly more delicious than I anticipated, which pleases her no end, that she made a good choice, and has introduced me to something new.
I ask her what she is most looking forward to at Uni, and she tilts her head to one-side as she thinks. ‘Going out lots’ she says, and least favourite? ‘If I have messy flat mates or weird people.’ She laughs at herself though and says, ‘despite me being weird obvs!’
I ask her what she will do if her flat mates are loud and want her to go out all the time and drink. She responds that she’s fine with that, she knows her limits (she barely drinks after one very drunken night that has put her off!). I ask the opposite, what if they are really quiet and barely talk? ‘Then I’ll go to the flats above or below.’
A great answer but I wonder if it’s a truthful one.
I hope this would be the case, but she is not the type to take the initiative, to put herself forward, to go out of her comfort zone.
It’s mine and my husband’s biggest worry that she’ll stay in the safety of her room if she doesn’t immediately make some connections.
Even typing this here and now I know my breathing is different. I know so many parents who are launching their birds, I even belong to my own little what’s app of 3 other friends who are sending kids off to uni this year, but so much has been about how they will feel when they are gone, what they will do with this new identity, more time to fill, a purpose to find.
But this is not my worry, I rarely get bored, I love my work, I know I’ll easily fill my time and super-boost my purpose.
No, what worries me most is how she will be, how she will navigate this new world, away from the people who have always looked out for her, have had her back and will continue to do so, but from a distance, and who can’t be there at the drop of a hat, or fix things for her.
And so all I can do is hope, and trust that she will do the right thing for her. In the meantime, this is what runs through my brain on a continual loop right now!
Will she turn the straighteners, lights, oven off?
Will she get up on time for lectures?
Will she eat anything other than her go-to dish of egg fried rice?
Will she look at emails or paperwork she gets from uni and action what she’s meant to?
Will she join societies that we know, and she knows she’d enjoy, but will she dare do it?
Will she wear anything other than pyjamas in her flat?
Will she be brave enough to just be herself?
Will she be ok cooking in the kitchen with others there? (she loves to cook, but on her own, listening to music, occasionally singing)
Will she be able to sleep?
Will she cope without her pets? Her support animals as she likes to call them!
Will she be ok with the course and the more independent elements, like doing a presentation in front of her course peers (her worst nightmare!)
And the biggest question; Will she ask for support if she needs it, that is there at Uni?
These are the questions that infiltrate my middle-of the-night thinking. But all we can do is sit back and watch, and pray that uni is a positive experience for her.
What we do know though are these things, and this helps to remind myself, she can do hard things.
*She worked in a restaurant back home, despite it terrifying her initially
*She is really good with money, always a good thing when you’re a student!
*She will get her homework done by the deadline, even if it means pulling an all-nighter (familiar territory from when I was a student)
*She is great at cooking and baking, and if in doubt this will be a good social interaction opportunity! Free brownies anyone?
*She is a brilliant singer and dancer, and good at sports, so if she gets into a society around these, it will be a great stress-reliever for her and another opportunity to make friends
*She is kind, caring and loyal to her friends, a great friend to have in your circle
*She’s a night-owl, so I think will be fine with the nights out!
*She will be clean and tidy in her own space
*She will ‘hopefully’ communicate regularly with us
*She’s got through tough times, and difficult friendship situations before, it was really hard, but I’m hoping she’s learned from those experiences, and her kind nature won’t get taken advantage of.
So as we run up to the launch date, this coming Saturday, I’m doing everything I can to prepare myself;
~ I’ve listened to the 2 great Mel Robbins podcasts on this period in our lives, which have really helped
~ I’ve enjoyed some one-to-one time with my daughter, a spa session awaits the day before we leave
~ I’m part of our Bird Launchers What’s app! Thank goodness for great friends
~ We are pretty organised on the packing, so we’re not stressing right at the end
~ I’ve had some creative time myself, making the mosaic piece below, getting in the flow of concentration always helps me
~ I’ve also done a bit of an Autumn update in my bedroom – I always end up tidying / cleaning when I’m a bit stressed!
~ I keep checking in with her brother, they are very close, so I know he will find it hard when she leaves too
~ Walks in nature, and trying to get a decent night’s sleep are very important
~ Writing in my journal and on here always helps me to process the things I’m going through, it’s such a precious gift that humans can write!
~ Not booking too much work in at the moment, giving myself that space to give to what we are preparing for.
So to all of you who have recently been through this transition, and have launched your birds, firstly well done! And secondly do take time to look after yourself and adjust to this new scenario and family dynamic. I’m so grateful I have a dog, who’s a girl, to cuddle, now that I’ve only got two boys / men in the house!
It’s a big change, and mental shift, but at the end of the day, hopefully a step in the right direction for our offspring towards their future, and really growing into adulthood independence.
And of course they come home, before we know it, it will be Christmas and they’ll be home and hopefully more appreciative of their family, and home comforts too, with lots of tales to tell about uni life and ready to bake the best brownies! (we’ll definitely miss her baking skills!).
With Love and light
Juliet x
Ps If you are struggling at all with this kind of change and wondering what on earth life means for you now that they have flown, or feeling a little lost in general, please get in touch to see if I can help you. I am an ICF trained coach who is passionate about unlocking people’s potential – to create and design a magical, fulfilling life that you love.
To find out more, click here, and get in touch for a no-obligation chat over Zoom.
Life is too short to be feeling like something is missing, or not yourself, I love helping people to rediscover their purpose, get their mojo back and boost their joy in life – and it’s so much easier doing the work together, with someone who understands how you feel.